Just a few words to share. Always had a hard time loving my body, I think I’m not the only one. Up and down. Exercise, diet, going too far, loving it, losing control, feeling shame. The techniques and the patterns shift, but the cycle stays the same and that cycle is always the need to BE BETTER. Look better. If I look better then I’ll love myself. But no. Now that I’m a little older, I’m working on the inside and what’s between my ears instead of a new way of eating, new makeup or new clothes. I am starting to actually know myself, and with that comes a respect that’s making me want to treat my body with honor instead of distain. 

Get to know yourself. There is only one you. She might be cooler than you think and you might be inspired to take care of her differently once you see that. 

I always knew I wanted to become a mother, and was over the moon to be having my first baby - a little boy. I was devastated to learn he had a rare heart defect, and when he was born he was rushed into heart surgery to save his life. During his second surgery at three days old, the doctors called us in to say goodbye. I finally held him in my arms for the first time, and soon after he let out his last breath. I didn’t know where to go from there - I felt like so much of myself died with him that day. I had to figure out how to get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day, and living without him felt insurmountable. With the love of my husband and family, time, and little signs from God to lead the way, I was able to find myself again. Now I have a beautiful daughter and another son I get to love every day. Whatever you’re going through, it’s possible to overcome. You can always experience the joy of life if you just don’t give up on finding it.

The last few years were just gray. I felt dead inside. Trapped, lost, nothing I did was good. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. Things were starting to come out, I was self harming, and I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. My story isn’t special, I just want to say, TELL SOMEBODY if you feel like that. Talk about it. To the right people of course. Muster all the energy you have to get help. It feels impossible, but if you stay silent you might not get out. What stays in your head will grow legs, so get your thoughts out into the open. Get your hormones checked. Woman up and get yourself to a therapist. My life turned around. It’s a lie that you will live like that forever. I’m rooting for you.

Before having kids, I was one track mind, very type A. My world was rocked after having my kids. I struggled severely with anxiety during postpartum, but also a complete identity crisis. I was getting overwhelmed by littler things and found myself not just fight or flight but in total freeze, where even just doing the dishes felt too overwhelming.

I was medicating myself and being medicated by doctors. I was taking jobs that felt right on paper but wrong for me. It took years to reframe the difference between who I was and who I am now. 

You are not alone if you find yourself lost in your own life. It’s hard and overwhelming, but I can tell you as someone who has found her way to the other side, that if you want it bad enough, that version of you can come to light, and you can be just as happy, if not more, in this new version of yourself.